Man, I feel down. I don't know what happened to me since last semester. What the heck happened to me? Was last semester too easy and now this one too hard. Tuesday is the last day to withdraw from a class but should I? I feel like I'm going to get 3 Fs and 2 As this semester. Let me explain.
The two As from PE and CSC 385 because their, like last semester, easy classes. But my Fs are coming from Computer Sci (CSC), Digital Logic, and Calculus. I had a CSC exam on Friday which was worst than being "bombed." After failing both a digital logic and calculus exams (54 and 44 respectively) I thought I'd work hard to pass this CSC exam. But no, this exam was worst than those two. I have a calculus exam on Friday which I've ignored to understand those two chapters because of all the stuff I had to to for my programing classes. Everything is a mess.
I just want the summer to come and let me refresh myself. I want to feel happy not have to fake it all the time. I quit one of my jobs (the one for admissions) because I thought this would give me more time. I go my hours pulled from 25-20hrs a week to 9hrs. I can't cut those last few bucks because that's how I'll pay for gas. right after the exam on Friday, I emailed this guy who posted being able to tutor CSC kids. 15$ an hour. I'm wondering now just how many times a week I want to have him help me.
This CSC class is said to be the class where all non-CSC majors end up dropping...where do I go? Wrong I can't change majors. Too much time invest as well as money.
So school --- is depressing. I can't fail a class because that'll only put me behind.
Other than that...job
With school being the way its been its made me really tired, stressed, and just in general horrible....its had an effect with me at work. We get four blue slips or three pink slips (blue = mistake, pink = bad ) before we are eligible to get fired. So I have no pink slips thank god,, but as of Friday (notice how awesome Friday was) I have five blue slips for not emailing back "I've read this email." My manager knows me personally in the school and she walked up to me before my CSC exam and said not to worry. To just get sleep and destress myself. That she understood I wasn't like that last semester.
Maybe this one will be better....bf/gf
This isn't too bad. Shes really come through with me stressing (and not herself). She bought me a dozen of doughnuts one night and has made me dinner. She bought a build-your-self shelf that I was able yesterday to eat dinner with her room mate and get into her room and build it for her. I hope she likes the surprise.
Other than school this is where I need help....
Is not letting someone find something out about you a lie? Where does one find these rules to what is lying? How can I explain to someone that my standards are not that high? I just want honesty. I love honesty because I'm free and lets people like me for who I am. Have I really been bad before so that this individual is scared of me and will over and over again lie to me hoping I'll never find out? We could be happier if she told the truth, I made a decision on how I felt about it, and moved on. Still it is mean of me still not the trust them?
Honesty for what?.....
Here's some lyrics for you that I listened to yesterday while driving and I thought nothing could better describe:
Somewhere between an excuse and a lie,
You found something that you believe. [her new thing]
So proud, I guess I can't imagine why, [for hiding it]
Three cheers for what [you] used to be. [shes not what I thought she was, or who she was before]
Shit talking, it crumbles around you. [I caught her lying]
It comes back around. [back to being dishonest]
Somewhere between delusion and denial,
You'll drown in your own sympathy. [she wont care. I just have to understand and move on]
Profound, at least you thought so at the time,
A ghost of who you used to be. [a fading ghost]
I think I am wrong (not IN honesty but of WHAT the honesty is in). That will need a phone call or perhaps a visit.
Valerie is having some wedding thing that I am required to attend on Feb. 28. I should be in Cary by Friday though.